Sex, Love, And Dating After Loss
When Sex and the City first aired, it revolutionised how women talked about love, friendship, and sex. Fast forward to And Just Like That, and Carrie Bradshaw is facing the one thing she never expected: widowhood. But just like Carrie, real-life widows and widowers are finding that life – and sex lives – don’t end after loss.
At Chapter 2 and WidowsFire, we know that the emotions that accompany widowhood are complex. That’s why we conducted research exploring the realities of dating, intimacy, and societal expectations for those stepping back into dating after losing a partner. And with the new series of And Just Like That approaching, we thought the timing was perfect to share what we’ve learned.
What The Survey Revealed
We asked our members a number of questions about desire, intimacy and love after losing their partner. For many widows and widowers, their late partner was not just a spouse but a lifelong companion, a best friend, and the love of their life so it was important to find out about this. Our research revealed:
- 55% were with their late partners for over 20 years.
- 13% were together for 10-15 years.
- 10% had spent 5-10 years together.
- 12% up to 5 years together
- Many had spent 30, 40, or even 50+ years together.
But despite losing such a deep connection, it doesn’t erase our feelings of desire. It just changes how we approach intimacy.
The Unexpected Return of Desire
Many widows and widowers are caught off guard by the sudden return of sexual desire. Some feel ready much sooner than expected, while others take time to acknowledge their feelings. Our survey found:
- 33% of widows and widowers experienced sexual desire within three months of their partner’s passing.
- 28% within 3-12 months
- 39% over a year before feeling intimacy desires again.
This challenges the notion that grief and desire cannot coexist. Love, attraction, and passion are part of being human, even after loss.
From Desire to Action: Finding The ‘Right Time‘
Feeling desire and acting on it are two different things. Many wrestle with guilt, fear, or simply not knowing where to start:
- 3% acted on their desires within one month.
- 10% within 1-3 months.
- 8% within 3-5 months.
- 18% within 6-12 months.
- 62% waited over a year before being intimate again.
Much like Carrie debating whether to “get back out there” after Big, every widow and widower follows their own timeline. There’s no right or wrong time to move forward.
Overcoming Barriers to Dating Again
Taking the first steps back into dating can be daunting. Whether it’s emotional turmoil, practical concerns, or the fear of what others might think, many widows and widowers experience hesitation. Our survey revealed:
- 43% felt guilt, as though they were betraying their late partner.
- 43% struggled with logistics, unsure how to meet new people or navigate dating again.
- 37% experienced fear, including worries about rejection and emotional pain.
- 33% were concerned about judgement from others, and 25% actually experienced judgement from friends or family.
- 18% felt no barriers and moved forward when ready.
Breaking the stigma starts with open conversations. Widowhood doesn’t mean celibacy, and those stepping into new relationships deserve support, not shame. Encouragingly, 75% of respondents said their friends and family were supportive of them dating again.
Dating Apps? I Never Thought I’d Be Here…
For those who met their spouse before online dating existed, the idea of meeting online can feel alien. However, many are embracing modern dating tools to find connection again:
- 60% have used dating apps for relationships
- 33% used apps for companionship
- 7% used apps purely for hookups
- 8% admitted to lying about being widowed to avoid awkward conversations
Dating in the modern world can feel unfamiliar territory, but just like Miranda downloading Tinder, it’s all about learning the new rules of engagement.
What Are Widows And Widowers Looking For?
Is it love, sex, or something in between? Just like Charlotte waited for “The One” and Samantha enjoyed the moment, every widow or widower has a different journey. Widows and widowers don’t all want the same thing. Some crave deep emotional connections, others just want to have fun, and many are unsure where they stand.
- 58% are looking for a serious relationship.
- 7% are seeking fun.
- 35% aren’t sure what they want yet.
The Reality of “Widow’s Fire”
“Widow’s Fire” describes the sudden, overwhelming surge of sexual desire that some experience after loss. It can be unexpected, confusing, and even conflicting – while some feel guilt, others find it empowering. For many, it’s the body’s way of reconnecting with life and seeking comfort through intimacy.
Our survey found significant shifts in libido:
- 41% reported a higher libido post-loss, proving desire doesn’t disappear with grief
- 30% said their sex drive remained about the same
- 28% said grief took a toll on their desire
- 40% haven’t had sex since their loss
Additionally:
- 15% became more adventurous in the bedroom, realizing life is short
- 21% stepped out of their comfort zone more gradually
- 18% remained about the same in terms of intimacy
- 7% became more reserved
The Emotional Landscape of Intimacy After Loss
For some, sex after loss feels different, whether in a positive or challenging way. Our respondents shared:
- 37% said sex felt different, either more difficult or purely physical with no deep emotional connection.
- 19% found it better, describing it as freeing or exciting.
- 14% found it surprisingly normal.
When asked what they missed most about intimacy with a partner:
- 88% said emotional connection.
- 73% missed touch.
- 40% longed for flirting.
- 60% missed kissing.
- 62% missed sex.
Some also found thoughts of their late spouse surfaced during new experiences:
- 8% fantasised about their late spouse while with someone new and found it confusing.
- 4% felt it was natural.
- 48% were fully present with their new partner.
Society’s Perception and Personal Journeys
Despite growing conversations about widowhood and intimacy, many feel unsupported:
- 63% believe society does not support widows and widowers dating again
- 37% feel that attitudes are changing
When asked which Sex and the City character best represents their approach to grief and moving forward:
- 56% resonated with Charlotte, waiting for “The One”
- 32% saw themselves as Miranda, taking time but embracing love again
- 6% identified with Samantha, diving back into dating immediately
- 6% related to Carrie, finding their way after reflection
This shows that while paths may differ, all deserve support in their journey.
How to Reclaim Your Next Chapter
1. Trust Your Timing
Whether you wait a month or a year, your journey is yours alone. There is no right or wrong timeline for love and intimacy after loss.
2. Let Go of Judgment
If Miranda can leave Steve and Samantha can sleep with a fireman, you can reclaim your sexuality without shame. Widowhood doesn’t erase your right to love and intimacy. Try not to care what other people think.
3. Open Up the Conversation
Talking to family, friends, or even a new partner about your feelings can make dating and intimacy after loss easier. Honesty helps to improve connection and reduce fear.
4. Have an Open Mind
Dating apps, texting, and intimacy can be overwhelming. However, there is support out there. Platforms like Chapter 2 offer a safe space to meet those who understand.
5. Define Love on Your Own Terms
Remember you’re not replacing your late partner. You’re creating new experiences, and that’s okay.
Nicky Wake, Founder of Chapter 2 Dating, said: “For too long, widows and widowers have been expected to mourn in silence, as though their desire for love and intimacy should be buried with their late partner. But just like Carrie learned to love again, so can we. We deserve happiness, companionship, and yes, even great sex. At Chapter 2 and WidowsFire, we’re here to help widows and widowers embrace their next chapter without shame.”
Chapter 2 is the UK’s leading dating platform for widows and widowers, providing a safe space for new beginnings. WidowsFire empowers those who want to explore intimacy and desire after loss.
Widowhood isn’t the final chapter of your love story – it can be the beginning of a powerful sequel. Your heart remembers how to love, even when it’s healing. And just like that… your next chapter can begin.
